Thursday, June 25, 2015

You were working [as a waitress in] a cock[tail bar], when I met you.

These are the things that Meatloaf won't do for love:

forget the way you feel right now
forgive himself if you don't go all the way, tonight
do it better than he does it with you
stop dreaming of you ev'ry night of his life

...mystery solved

Thursday, April 30, 2015


She just looked at him, expressionless, and said "I need to know if you're having an affair." He had three immediate and unhelpful thoughts.

First, vanity: "It's exciting that she's living in a world where I could possibly have an affair. I've still got it!"

Second, concern: "What could make her think that I'm having an affair? Has she lost her mind?"

Third, worry: "Wait, have I done anything that could be considered as a affair? Am I forgetting something? At that bachelor party, a couple of the strippers got surprisingly handsy, but that was years ago and I don't think you could really call that an 'affair'."

Saturday, May 31, 2014

On Guilt

What if you were replaced in the middle of the night with an exact replica? They would have the same body, same memories, same thoughts, etc. as you? Would you even know? Maybe it happened last night and you're the replica. You have no way of knowing whether or not that is the case.  So the universe where that happened and the universe in which we are living are indistinguishable.  But in the other universe, *guilt* makes no sense.
Why would I feel guilty about something that happened yesterday?  That was another guy.  I was just born last night. It's true that I am an exact replica of the guy that did that thing.  So I should be careful not to do the same thing as he did. But to feel bad about it (to feel like I'm "bad" because of it) makes no sense.
In fact, those who believe that there are "good" people and "bad" people are really asking for trouble.  Each of us makes millions of decisions over a lifetime.  Some of them will be "good" -- considerate, wise, or courageous.  Some of them will not.  We all will make "bad" decisions.  For those who think that they are "good" people, these "bad" decisions must build a sneaking suspicion in the back of the mind that they really are "bad" people.

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Dear @Microsoft, about Excel

Dear Microsoft,

If MS Excel had the following functions, it would be quite a bit more useful:

1) Horizontal Sort
2) Join
3) Use the numerical output of a function as a row-number (or column-name) index
4) Allow the user to compile complex operations for efficiency

There is, of course, some possibility that it already has some or all of this functionality and I just don't know how to employ it.  Please let me know if you need any other information.  I would be happy to serve as the supervisor for this product update. Given a small team of programmers, I predict an approximate 1-year turnaround.